This year’s Christmas List of gifts for a cheating ex contain a few unusual vintage items, courtesy of my makeup historian friend, Kristine Ursua. She has a fabulous collection of powder compacts, perfume bottles and cosmetics, some of them dating back over a century. Women have been painting their faces since antiquity to please their men, yet all the while quite a few of these males have been busy exploring painted faces elsewhere.

It’s the seventh year I’ve been posting these Christmas gifts, so I’ve covered 84 different items in all. I’ll be including them in my next book, which has the working title, 100 Gifts for a Cheating Ex, release date sometime in 2024. If you’d like more ideas in the same vein as these gifts for 2023, take a look at my 2016, 2018, 2019, 2020, 2021 and 2022 lists. Yes, I know all these items might seem inconsistent with the mantra of my first book, Adulterer’s Wife: How to Thrive Whether You Stay or Not, which was that the best revenge is to get past the need for it. But I’m writing these lists to make you laugh rather than have vengeance on your ex. After all, a lot of these gifts are one-of-a-kind and unavailable even if you did want to present them to your former beloved. Sorry about that!

Screaming Goat

If your ex-husband was a horny goat whose philandering made you want to scream, here’s the perfect gift to give him. Described on the packaging as a desktop companion that has gone viral, your ex can take it to his workplace and scream at subordinates without having to strain his voice. The Screaming Goat is also a wonderful gift to give your ex if he or she has children with his current partner. The kids will want to make it scream all the time which will annoy the heck out of their parents.

Radioactive Face Powder

If your cheating ex is female rather than male, here’s a vintage gift to give her a glowing complexion. In the 1930s, newly discovered radium was considered to be like gold. Become radiant with radium? Tho-Radia put out a whole line of cosmetics containing radium, including lipstick, face powder. ointments, soap, suppositories (OMG!) and even condoms. I suppose that’s one way to be able to see your guy’s penis in the dark. There was even a radium energy drink popular at the time that was very expensive. As Jacopo Prisco reported for CNN on March 8, 2020, Radithor was an “energy drink” containing distilled water with tiny amounts of radium dissolved into it. Boldly advertised as “A Cure for the Living Dead,” it promised to tackle various ailments ranging from diabetes to impotence. Its most famous advocate, American socialite and golfer Eben Byers, drank three bottles a day for years. Eventually his lower jaw disintegrated and he died from various cancers in 1932. Not surprisingly, this led to the demise of radiation-based patent medicines.

Chinese Take-Out Tree Ornament

For my ex-husband, the kitchen was a place for him to eat but someone else to make the food. If your ex refused to cook and his idea of providing a meal for you was to get a take-out, this is a great ornament for his Christmas tree. Even better is the fact that if he’s putting on the pounds from greasy take-out food, this version of Chinese take-out is completely calorie-free!

Leg Makeup

If your ex has ugly blemished legs, or you feel he or she walked all over you, how about giving him or her some leg makeup? I kid you not, this stuff exists. It was popular in the 1940s during the Second World War, as women’s stockings were in short supply and rationed because nylon was needed for the war effort to make such things as parachutes and aircraft tires. According to the Vintage Fashion and Beauty website, Glamour Daze, during wartime, women were even encouraged to donate their nylon stockings to be converted into powder bags to propel missile projectiles in US Navy Guns. Women wore leg makeup to make it seem that they were wearing stockings, and would even draw a line up the back of their legs to appear like a seam. If you give your ex a bottle of this stuff, he or she could also use this stuff to create a fake tan or maybe even paint the walls. A very versatile gift.

Soccer Cakes

In England, many guys are obsessed with soccer, known as football, or affectionately, footie, in British English. If you have a sport-crazy husband, the lack of attention he pays you and the amount of time he spends watching soccer can make it feel like he’s having an affair with another woman even if he isn’t. What can you give a footie-mad ex husband? These cakes that I found in the British supermarket Tesco’s should really score. One is football-shaped, the other is in the shape of the shirt the England team wears in the World Cup. Sadly, England have not won the World Cup since 1966, so this shirt is not winning attire. In Tesco’s. the soccer ball cake cost £11 but the shirt one was £14, so if you want to save money, ditch the shirt and go for the balls.

Filthy Ass Soap

For the ex who was shower-averse and somewhat malodorous, what better gift to give him than Filthy Ass Soap, handmade in Hawaii? You may be doing his current partner a favor by providing him with a new cleanliness tool. The packaging claims that the soap contains “no yucky stuff” and quotes the Ass on the back: “They say I’m mighty stubborn, but show me the carrot and I’ll always behave!” Does that mean he’s willing to shower if it will impress a new conquest?

Sexy Male Paperclips

These member-able stationery supplies offer a cheating ex-husband an opportunity to celebrate his manhood while connecting various pieces of paper together. Various colors are available to suit his mood for the day. He’s sure to love the idea of penises immortalized in plastic.

Hungover Chocolate

Does your ex have a tendency towards overindulgence in alcohol? The Hungover Milk Chocolate Moodibar will suit his mood. The wrapper provides an accurate reflection of what his face looks like after a few drinks too many. Perhaps it should become a new emoji to indicate someone is in a drunken state. Who knew that toffee pretzel sea salt milk chocolate was a hangover cure?

Dip Shit Dip

Was he or she a dip shit to cheat on you? Signs point to yes. Brought to you from the Big Cock Ranch, here’s a tasty dip for chips and veggies to match his or her character. Give your ex some Dip Shit for Christmas…because you are what you eat.

Centipede Screw

Do you think your spouse screwed you by screwing someone else? If you feel your former beloved has a slippery poisonous personality, slithering around in the shadows to carry out illicit affairs, this metal centipede screw says it all. It looks very realistic so that he can screw it into the wall and freak out his current partner.

Coca-Cola Lip Smacker

My ex-husband once told me that there was just one thing in life he regretted. No, it wasn’t all the philandering. It was getting addicted to Coke, and he didn’t mean cocaine. So this Classic Coca-Cola flavored lip balm made by Lip Smacker would be right up his alley and it’s a dorky enough item to make it into my Christmas gift list this year. So why not give your cheating ex this Smacker? It’s interesting to note that depending on the context and situation, giving someone a smacker can mean either giving them a loud kiss or a resounding blow. Maybe this gift is a way of telling your your ex he or she has traded your wonderful kisses to kiss someone as shallow and ditsy as a  fizzy drink.

Texting Shorthand Primer

WTF?!! The most common way people discover their partner is cheating is from a text and indeed that’s exactly how I found out about my husband’s mistress. This mini guide to texting message codes is invaluable for any ex who wants to be able to surreptitiously text his or her various QTs. Whether he or she wants to send H&K, say H4U or even WUWHIMA, it’s all in this little dictionary.

Photos and Video © C. J. Grace, 2023.