Caught Cheating? Marital Damage Control for Dunces

damge_control_wide_01 sm2Men often react in the dumbest way when their wives catch them cheating. You’d think they deliberately want to end their marriages, but more often than not, that isn’t the case. Unlike most of this website, I’m writing this page specifically for men, although my advice is equally applicable if you’re an adulterous wife caught cheating. So listen up, philandering husbands! Unless you’re absolutely sure you want to dump your wife and deal with most likely an acrimonious, expensive divorce, you need to invest your time in some serious damage control. Here are ten points to consider. Perhaps they’ll help you to salvage your marriage.

  1. Don’t match her anger. She’s angry, and probably rightly so. It may be a natural reaction for you to get het up as she’s pouring on the invectives, one or two of which you may indeed find to be unjust. You may think that in some way she drove you into another woman’s arms. You may also feel that she’s been spying on you and thus be furious at her for invading your privacy. Think with your head rather basing your behavior on primitive emotions and your dick. Suck it up and stay contrite and friendly.
  2. Act immediately. Don’t wait for her needy and clingy phase to progress to self-reliance and independence. You may well find that you become quite irrelevant to her life. Don’t wait till she no longer wants you around.
  3. Don’t just say you love her—exhibit loving behavior. Unless you back up those words with your actions, she’ll see them for what they are—hollow and meaningless. Relationship counselor Gary Chapman, in his bestselling book, The 5 Love Languages: The Secret to Love that Lasts, describes five ways to make a partner feel loved and claims that each person will have a specific preference and find one of these ways to be more important than the rest. It’s up to you to find out how she responds to each of these five “love rewards” and use one or more of them to prove that you love her:
    • Saying words of affirmation that make her feel truly loved and appreciated.
    • Spending quality time together.
    • Giving her gifts.
    • Providing acts of service—whatever it is that she would like you to do for her.
    • Touching her affectionately. It is important to note that this physical touch can be either sexual or nonsexual. After finding out about your infidelity, she may crave nonsexual hugs but be turned off by sexual caresses.
  4. Woo her back. Think about your shared history together and remember what it was that you liked about her and enjoyed together. Remind her of that. Give her compliments that are genuine. Be romantic—groping at her while watching TV won’t cut it. Spend some time paying attention to her alone. Just hugging and kissing can make you get closer to each other again. You find your floozy much sexier and your wife no longer turns you on? Find other ways to make love to her if your erection isn’t coming, and invest in a copy of Stella Resnick’s excellent book, The Heart of Desire: Keys to the Pleasures of LoveShe writes tellingly about long-term relationships that have turned celibate and how to bring back the sexual spark.  However, your wife may be so disgusted by your betrayal and turned off by the thought of where your dick has been that she recoils at your touch. You’ll have to woo her back gently, beginning with non-sexual physical affection, rather than expecting her to joyously and unreservedly welcome you into her bed. You both might benefit from marital counseling to work together on repairing all aspects of your relationship.
  5. Be prepared to compromise. Don’t expect things to stay the same. She won’t necessarily be joyfully providing you with all the wifely services you’ve been used to. She’ll be more likely to call you on your bullshit. She’ll expect you to prove you want to make things work by being more helpful and considerate than you were before. Step up to the plate if you want your marriage to survive. Be willing to go to counseling as this can help couples work together on repairing all aspects of their relationship
  6. Focus on the mantra “I’m sorry. Please forgive me. I love you. Thank you for being my wife.” Think it, believe it, say it to her and use it to guide your actions.
  7. Do not tell her you love the other woman. The classic question a wife will ask about your mistress is, “Do you love her?” Think very carefully about your answer to that question. You might believe that you love the other woman, but perhaps it is merely short-term infatuation. You are in lust rather than in love. Maybe you are having the best sex you have had for years and everything you do together is full of fun and laughter. Remember that you are still on best behavior with each other and that most affairs do not last more than two years. The more you get to know each other and the more the drudgery of daily life impinges on your relationship, the less fun it becomes. Telling your wife that you love both women equally will not cut it either. Who will come first for you? Will the interests of your spouse or your paramour prevail? In truth, the answer is obvious—your own interests will come first, won’t they? However, what wife wants to have only 50 percent of their spouse’s love and be second fiddle to the floozy? Get real—you would feel the same way if she told you she had a boyfriend that she loved as much as you.
  8. Dump the other woman. You probably will not want to do that, but is she really worth destroying your marriage for? It is a rare wife that will knowingly put up with you keeping your floozy. The best way to preserve your marriage is to let go of the mistress.
  9. Open relationships open a Pandora’s Box. Despite the fact that you were having affairs first, you may find yourself consumed by jealousy if she follows suit. You may initially believe that she would never want to have another partner even if you are philandering away, and maybe because of that you might tell her you would be fine with her having a lover too. But what if she finds one who is richer, better in bed, more attentive and/or less demanding than you? Just like you and your floozy, it will be all candy with no baggage. She may be the one saying sayonara.
  10. Remember that you and your wife are a team. She’s most likely very necessary for the smooth running of your life, even if you were the one who had to go to work every day while she stayed home. Appreciate your wife for what she has done for you. She’s taken care of your home, your kids and maybe your business too. If you split up, it will be an almighty hassle and horrible for your kids if they’re still living at home. You and your wife will both be poorer and your standard of living will drop. If you own your home, you’ll probably have to sell it and move somewhere cheaper. Most likely you both have a lot to lose if the marriage fails.


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