I’m being horribly hypocritical writing this list of 12 gifts to mock the man in your life who has let you down. The mantra of my book, Adulterer’s Wife: How to Thrive Whether You Stay or Not is that revenge is not sweet and the best revenge is to get past the need for it. But I’m not recommending smashing his prized Ming vase or shooting him in the nuts—just some gently sardonic humor at his expense.
- Bathroom set to wash away his sins. He probably has a lot of them, so you might need to give him a bunch of these packs.
- Can of crap. He landed you in it when he strayed. Now give him some. Crap is the Romanian word for carp. Plenty of omega 3s. Served in tomato sauce, this stuff might actually taste quite good, which is more than I can say for some of the later items in this list.
- Australian 20 cent coin commemorating the centenary of the Australian Taxation Authority. Now there’s something to celebrate. A must for any serious coin collector that is sure to go up in price….or at the very least, retain its face value if you’re in Australia.
- Toilet and chamber pot condiment set. A great place to keep his mustard, or maybe his ED pills.
- Durian praline chocolates. Described by one taster as “like sucking on sewage,” quite possibly these win the prize for the candies with the world’s worst flavor. Durian is a tropical fruit known for its pungent aroma of smelly socks. If your ex doesn’t like these pralines, just smile sweetly and say, “Oh I’m sorry—I thought I gave you the mango ones.”
- Hawaii Cooks with SPAM: Local Recipes Featuring Our Favorite Canned Meat by Muriel Miura. Does he like to cook? Does he hate to cook? Does he want to add some ethnic flavor to his cuisine to impress his latest lady? If yes is the answer to any of these questions, get him this book. Monty Python fans would love it.
- American Diner Hot Dog Maker. Spam cookery won’t work? Instead give him American convenience food at its best. Is he into health food? He’ll love the gloriously deep red color of the hot dogs they suggest you use.
- Pink pig neck pillow. Perfect for all that air travel he has to do to visit his various mistresses around the world. The bright color means that he’s less likely to leave it behind by mistake. If you think he’s acted like a pig, why not give him one? At the same time you will be showing him that although he might have been a pain in the neck, you care about preventing his neck pain.
- Tastefully carved door stop reflecting his appreciation of the female form. Any females visiting him will be able to appreciate his appreciation of this too.
- Global warming mug. Just as he is disappearing from your life, he can watch the coastlines disappear as he drinks his morning coffee. Certain people insist that climate change is a Chinese hoax and indeed this mug is made in China.
- Southpaw mug. Another drinking vessel to consider if climate change doesn’t warm you up with Christmas cheer. Is he left-handed? Is his current squeeze? Most likely not. Only 10% of the population are lefties, although it is slightly more common in males than females. If you’ve ever had the desire to pour hot coffee all over either of them, this mug can do it for you!
- Jumbo-sized eraser for BIG mistakes. He was unfaithful. He’s your ex. Of course he makes big mistakes.
Am I being a Grinch-like and spoiling the spirit of Christmas here? Well, you may notice that I haven’t given you Amazon links and the like to make it easy for you to buy all these items online. That’s because it might be best to simply read this list and just imagine giving a promiscuous ex some of the things I mention. I’m also not suggesting a gift of a dead rat or stinking fish—that wouldn’t show any class at all. Instead, just think what you would like to present him with and smirk about it in private. It is important to remember that taking the high ground with an ex and behaving with cordial dignity is likely to make your dealings with him go considerably more smoothly and protect your best interests in the long run. Even so, if you have any snarky ideas on Xmas gifts for Exes, I’d love to hear from you. Please let me know in a comment to this article.
All photos © C. J. Grace, 2016.