Whether your partner was unfaithful or not, whether you’re a cheater yourself or a pure straight arrow, here’s another year of quirky items to make you chuckle. Some you might find on Amazon, others are one-of-a-kind.
I’ve been putting together these spoof Christmas lists since 2016, and I haven’t run out of items yet. In my my forthcoming book, The Cheating Ex Files: 101 Gifts for an Unfaithful Ex-Partner, you’ll find all the best ones.
Naked Apron
I shot this photo of Lila Sherman in her ninetieth year at a Halloween gathering a few years ago. She looked magnificent in this apron, sporting a stylish In-N-Out Burger Fast Food server hat and wielding a spatula. Lila is an inspiration to older women everywhere. More than two decades ago, she founded Love Shack Maui, the one and only adult toy and novelty shop on the island, now managed by her granddaughter. When I asked Lila if she would allow me to use this photo in my blog and in The Cheating Ex Files book, she replied, “ABSOLUTELY FULL-ON permission! I’m so happy that you live your life in joy!”
This gift is perfect for an undiscriminating ex who likes getting naked with others. An older gentleman with poor eyesight might not even notice that it’s only an apron. However, you may have difficulty finding this item for sale. The closest I found was the “Boobs 3D Naked Apron” from the New Zealand online store, Real Groovy, but it was showing up as sold out.
You might think that if you’re wearing an apron you can’t be naked, and the apron is wearing panties so it’s really topless rather than naked. But no matter. I like the sound of the name Naked Apron, so that’s what I’m calling this item.
Leggy Candle
If he was burning all his energy chasing after leggy babes, this pure beeswax leggy candle is the perfect gift. Rather than smelly feet, which maybe was what your ex had, this upside-down lady has fragrant tootsies. I took a sniff and they had a pleasant beeswax aroma. I bought this item from the Da Beehive booth at this year’s Made in Maui festival. They were on their last legs—this candle was the last one left before I bought it. After that, they were legless, which in the British vernacular also means extremely drunk, as in too intoxicated to be able to stand up. You can find several varieties of candles on the Da Beehive website, including a Santa version for $22, but I didn’t see any more legs available. But don’t worry. Just send me $500 and I’ll give you mine.
Bitchy Bracelet
An ideal gift for an ex-wife who ran off with the pool guy, your best friend or just someone much wealthier than you are. Less than one percent of the population can read Morse code, so unless she’s in the military or operates Ham Radio, she won’t have a clue what this Morse Code bracelet means unless you tell her. If you don’t want her to know, you can remove the packaging and claim it’s an ancient Hopi design to promote world peace.
Zero Days Without Sarcasm T-Shirt
If your former partner has a cruel, sarcastic sense of humor, this T-shirt is the perfect addition to his or her wardrobe. It’s probably what my cheating ex would have wanted me to wear. As I say in the Epilogue of my book, Adulterer’s Wife: How to Thrive Whether You Stay or Not, I find it very refreshing to be edgy, sarcastic and opinionated at times, and to be able to use the vernacular and plenty of swearwords. Though fairly Americanized from many years of living in the United States, I am still a Brit at heart. At this point, I will mention a 2013 survey by globalvisas.com on foreigners’ attitudes towards the United Kingdom, which was widely reported in the British national press at the time. The survey found that the top three things that foreigners disliked about living in Britain were:
- Sarcasm—guilty as charged.
- Heavy drinking—not guilty, but I have British friends who, if they invite you for dinner, do not believe they have done a proper job of entertaining you unless you have a serious hangover the next day.
- The weather—not my fault.
Six-Pack Abs T-Shirt
Maybe your ex would never wear the previous item because he doesn’t believe he’s ever sarcastic, and more importantly, thinks that the garment might not display his body in the best light. So how about this Christmas-themed long-sleeved shirt that shows off six-pack abs even if he does not possess any? Why should he waste time and energy going to the gym to try to buff up his body when he can just wear this? It also saves him the expense of adding a tie, jacket or belt, as all these items are included.
Butt Booster
For the cheating ex who is more enamored with butts than boobs, the Butt Booster Body Shaper trims the waist and enhances the bottom. Whether your ex is male or female, why not give him or her the opportunity to transform a flat shapeless bottom into a curvy realistic shape. Your ex or their current squeeze will be able to butt into any social situation by sporting a perfect pair of buttocks. Those butt pads look as if they could also do double duty as boob enhancers, if that’s where more shapeliness is required.
The butt booster is much cheaper than buttock augmentation surgery with no side effects. Yes, people are paying money to surgically increase the size of their backsides, despite some of those folks suffering pain as a result and the filler material migrating to other parts of the body. The result is that a butt-building operation can indeed be a real pain in the ass. Maybe brain enhancement surgery should be a requirement before making a decision whether or not to go for gluteal augmentation. However, if you had a big-assed ex, as did I, this may not be an appropriate gift.
Poop Decorated Bathroom Tissue
Is this poop-decorated bathroom tissue the ultimate in recycled paper? If you feel that your unfaithful ex really landed you in the sh*t, or treated you like crap, here’s the perfect gift to express that concept. But how would you find it for him or her? On Amazon I found several rolls decorated with the poop emoji, which originally came from Japan and represented a soft-serve chocolate ice cream swirl before it morphed into meaning something totally different. Amazon even offers spoof Sandpaper Toilet Paper, great for a sensitive bottom as although the paper is printed to look like sandpaper, the manufacturers claim it has “the unexpected softness of novelty-grade 3-ply tissue.” However, I have been unable to find this specific poopy patterned bathroom tissue online, so it must be one-of-a-kind. I lent a good friend of mine a couple of Kirkland rolls when she had run out of TP—well, I didn’t really lend them as it wasn’t the kind of thing I wanted her to return used. Instead, she presented me with this artfully decorated item, little-knowing that I would include it in this book.
Berlin Wall Fragment
Did his or her infidelity create a wall between you and your former beloved? Was there a lot of surreptitious spying by you and deceit by your partner going on? Here’s a gift to symbolize just that: a piece of the Berlin Wall.
Maybe your ex-partner used euphemistic language to justify his or her philandering, similar to the way East German authorities officially called this construction the Anti-Fascist Protection Rampart (Antifaschistischer Schutzwall), while the West Germans called it the Wall of Shame. The East German government wanted to stop the flood of citizens trying to escape the glorious riches of communism for a life of abject poverty in the West.
Erected in 1961 and dismantled in 1989, pieces of the wall are still on sale on sites such as Amazon, eBay and Etsy. Fakes are plentiful, even if they are accompanied by an “Original Berliner Mauerstein Zertifikat.” I could easily create one of those in Photoshop. Some are of the fakes are made of plaster rather than concrete. The West side of the wall was painted with a lot of graffiti and art. Many apparently authentic pieces are spray painted after the fact to make it appear that have a bit of graffiti on them, as plain gray chunks of concrete are don’t have a lot of cachet. The piece in the photograph has no certificate of authenticity but I know it is genuine and was not spray-painted later. I was given it by a journalist friend who was covering the fall of the Berlin Wall in 1989. To be honest, I would not want to present this piece of Cold War history to a cheating ex. However, fragments are not that rare and smaller ones can be found for as little as $20, even though larger pieces or those in fancy display cases can go for considerably more. Alternatively, you can present your ex with a cheap plaster fake piece of history to match the deceit he or she has displayed in your past history together. Most likely, your former partner will never know the difference.
Faulty Mug
Sometimes relationships are complicated. What if you still have a lot of affection for an unfaithful ex, despite all his faults? Here’s a gift to reflect that sentiment. The French wording on this mug, “Je t’aime avec tous tes défauts,” means “I love you with all your flaws.” The crumpled appearance of the mug mirrors the imperfection of love, relationships and life in general.
Sperm Wars Book
This book takes away the infidelity blame game, because your former partner’s philandering may simply be a product of his or her evolutionary biology. In his book, Sperm Wars: Infidelity, Sexual Conflict and Other Bedroom Battles, originally published in 1996, Robin Baker claims that nature makes men obsess about all eligible women they come across, while women are constantly seeking the best genetic input on offer from potential partners. Thus, both sexes are evolutionarily meant to sleep around. Baker points to research showing that ten percent of children are not the progeny of the person acting as their father. According to the author, less than one percent of a man’s sperm is capable of fertilizing a woman’s egg as the rest is there to fight off any other men’s sperm lurking in the woman’s genitalia. Apparently there are three types of sperm – egg getters, sperm blockers and sperm killers. It’s lovemaking reframed as an act of warfare!
There’s a later version available than the copy of Sperm Wars you see in the picture. I added the tags to my edition just to give you the impression that I’ve read it all. Actually I read every page. Fascinating book, but I’m not sure if I agree with it all.
Book about Frail yet Dangerous Women
Whether you were the cheater or your partner was the unfaithful one, if you’re a woman, everything was most likely your fault. Frailty Thy Name, published in 1947, is a compilation of quotes from famous dead males throughout history, many of which describe women as weak, wicked, and far too dangerous to educate. “Frailty, thy name is woman!” is a famous line spoken by Hamlet in William Shakespeare’s play of the same name. Hamlet is expressing his grief and anger over his mother marrying his uncle, Claudius soon after his father’s death, as well as condemning the general lack of moral strength and constancy in women. 16th Century German theologian Martin Luther (not to be confused with his namesake Martin Luther King), insists, “No gown is less becoming to a girl than the dress of learning.” 18th Century French author Voltaire says, “A silly, stupid woman is a blessing from heaven.” 19th Century Philosopher Friedrich Nietzsche declares, “Thou goest to women. Do not forget thy whip!” Sadly, the #MeToo movement was not in existence during his lifetime.
Jar of Computer Viruses
Did his or her cheating infect your life like a virus, flooding you with negative emotions? Maybe you found out about the infidelity by seeing all sorts of incriminating lovey-dovey emails on your partner’s computer. At the time, you might have wanted to shut the thing down by planting a virulent virus in the operating system. By presenting this gift, in a light hearted way, you are saying just that. It’s perfect for a former beloved who spends a ton of time glued to the computer, especially if that’s how your ex tends to communicate with his or her love interests.
All photos (C) CJ Grace, 2026.