This is the ninth year I’ve produced this list, which began in 2016, and it’s bigger, badder and better than ever. Actually, it isn’t bigger. I’ve always included 12 items. However, my forthcoming book, The Cheating Ex Files: 101 Gifts for Your Unfaithful Ex-Partner, is bigger, by a staggering 89 items. It’s a carefully curated collection, scoured from all over the globe. The book consists of the best items I’ve included over the years that I have performed this invaluable service for anyone who has wanted to present a present to an unfaithful former beloved over the holidays.

Boxing Kangaroo Pen

How did you feel when you found out about your betrayal? Did you want to hit your former beloved? There’s no need to do that when you can convey the same sentiment with this pen. It hails from Down Under where the sun is so fierce that even the animals wear sunglasses and where the wild kangaroos are known to pack a powerful punch. Maybe that’s because kangaroos have very large testicles. Indeed, another item I found in tourist shops in Australia was a leather purse made from kangaroo balls. The indigenous people of Australia apparently consider kangaroo scrotum pouches to be a symbol of luck, fertility and good fortune However, this item didn’t quite make the cut to be included in the Cheating Ex Files as some folks might consider it somewhat of a Lorena Bobbit type of gift.

A similar kangaroo pen to the one shown here is available on Amazon, but sadly, without the sunglasses.  You’ll have to go to Australia to get that version.

Why I Must Have Sex with You Checklist

Who says romance is dead? If your ex is just too shy to ask for sex in person, why not have him or her use this handy checklist to put those desires in writing? This Why I Must Have Sex with You pad comes with 60 sheets, giving the opportunity to approach a lot of different prospects so that at least a couple of them might say yes. It’s a numbers game. Alternatively, your ex could try out various reasons on the same person and see which one works the best.

There are 198 reasons to experiment with, plus space to add two more of your own, but some of them are more likely to get you slapped than laid. One of the reasons, YOLO, may need translation. It means, “You only live once.” Do not use this reason on a Buddhist as they might be insulted and pray for you to be reincarnated as a slug in your next life. However, YOLO is better than a similar reason used extensively as a tagline by Ashley Madison, the notorious online dating service for people seeking extramarital sex: “Life is short. Have an affair.” Missing from the checklist is Kris Kristofferson’s similarly lame justification for asking a woman to bed that he immortalized in a song title, “Help Me Make It Through the Night.”

This pad is one of many different offerings from a company called Knock Knock who declare they live by two mottoes: “We put the Fun in Functional,” And “Make a List—You’ll Feel Better.” I found it in the free pile at a yard sale, with just one sheet missing. Most likely the previous owner had achieved little success with that sheet.

Close-Shaver’s Aphrodisiac Gel

Did your promiscuous ex get himself some close shaves, just barely avoiding being found out for quite some time until you finally discovered his infidelity? Did he enjoy a great deal of foaming pleasure with his mistresses? Then this “Sky Flying Foaming Shave-Gel and Face Cleanser,” made by Kiehl’s, would be the perfect gift to enable him to fly into a new world of (shaving) pleasure, ready for takeoff. Indeed, it could help him get it up: The ginseng in this gel supposedly not only acts as an aphrodisiac but also improves sexual function. Kiehl’s has been in business since 1851 and maybe this spray can must have been from those days. That’s because, sadly, this version with ginseng is no longer available. Instead Kiehls offer The Close Shaver’s Squadron^TM “Ultimate Brushless Shave Cream.” It’s described as a “Hair-raizer formula” with menthol, camphor and sesame oil but has no additional ingredients to help to cope with ED along with close shaves. It’s sold in a blue tube that matches the color of those little blue pills, maybe to suggest he use a few of those instead of ginseng shaving gel. Thinking about it, I could probably sell my can of Kiehl’s original shaving formula for a couple of hundred dollars on eBay…

Womanly Vase

If your ex was an ass, always ogling or even grabbing women’s rear ends, here is a gift he will appreciate. He can use this cheeky yet charming ceramic vase in the shape of a womanly bottom for displaying flowers. Alternatively, you might want to give him suggestions about what else he can stick in his butt. If you or your ex would like to get your hands on a bottom like this, I found a similar vase available on Amazon.

I discovered this playful pot on the reception desk at a colon hydrotherapy center I visited for an appointment. And yes, I have some experience in the wonderful, weird world of colonics. You can find out more about that in the “Tight-Assed Brit” section of Chapter Three in my memoir, My Wild Ride: How to Thrive After Breast Cancer and Infidelity (see p. 98).

Beach Babe Bottle Opener

Competing for attention with the Maui Male Bottle Opener in last year’s list, your ex can grab this svelte lady by the waist and open up beer bottles to his heart’s content. This scantily-clad, slim yet curvy beach babe with impossibly long legs looks just like the original Barbie, whose body type is now seen as exceedingly politically incorrect. The doll was accused of promoting unrealistic body proportions and beauty standards to impressionable children. In the interests of DEI, from 2016 onwards, various alternative Barbies came into existence, including curvy (i.e.: plumper), shorter, black, blind and trans. Outfits for new nontraditionally female careers also were added, ranging from a paleontologist to a navy admiral to a president. The clothing for this beach babe bottle opener is none of that. She is sporting the most revealing bikini possible, just shy of showing any naughty bits.

The thong bikini bottom worn by this beach babe has have become very popular these days, but to me it looks so uncomfortable, like shoving a piece of string between your buttocks. Maybe that is just sour grapes on my part as I know that a thong bikini bottom would definitely not be a flattering way to present my own rear end. Nevertheless, my boyfriend, bless him, gamely declares that I have the best bum in town (more likely the best bum in the room when nobody else is there) and would be happy to see me in this piece of virtually invisible clothing.

Haunted Hand

If your ex couldn’t keep his or her hands off the opposite sex, this battery-operated hand will be right up their alley. When I was a single gal working at the BBC in the 1970s and 80s, some of the married guys in the office did suffer from what the women described as “wandering hands syndrome.” We’d have to avoid being alone with one of these fellas, especially in a studio, elevator or storage closet. The creepiness of this kind of attention is symbolized by this Halloween hand.

Although this Spooky Village Animated Haunted Hand  is no longer available new, you can find several second-hand hands on eBay. Alternatively, you can buy a similar Animatronics Crawling Zombie Hand from Amazon.

Predatory Shark

Just like the dating site of the same name, are there are “Plenty of Fish” to choose from? If your ex was always on the lookout, fishing for another conquest, here’s the perfect gift. Pull the string, put it in the bathtub, and the shark will swim towards the fish. The shark has his mouth open with sharp teeth and a very complacent smile, as he always catches his prey. Unfaithful exes can learn how to up their game as well as clean themselves up in the bathtub in preparation for the next victim, all at the same time.

However, I got my Pull-String Shark second hand and he showed his age when I put him in the kitchen sink to watch him reel that fish in. He listed to the left, taking in water on that side. At the start, the shark seemed quite energetic as he swam towards the little orange fish, then he got a bit sluggish in the middle, almost stopping, but getting somewhat of a second wind as the fish got closer. Just goes to show that older gentlemen don’t have quite the pep and panache for snagging ladies that they may have had in their younger years.

I originally bought this shark toy as a plaything for my infant granddaughter, but she burst into tears when I pulled the string and the shark’s tailfin started flapping with a loud buzzing sound. The next time I showed her the shark, she began to cry as soon as she saw it. Clearly my granddaughter hated the thing, but then I realized it would make a fine gift for a cheating ex.

Hindsight Halloween Costume

Here a picture tells a thousand words. This memorable hospital gown means that people will always be watching your ex’s back. Or maybe I should say butt. If he or she is in the medical profession, this costume would be very appropriate to wear for work events or office parties. It includes the hospital robe and tights with the buttocks attached. If your ex had an ugly butt, this one might be an improvement. If you ever saw that 1993 comedy movie, Robin Hood: Men in Tights, this costume puts a whole new spin on the idea of males wearing tights, as Robin Hood’s merry men had no plastic buttocks attached to their garments. Sadly, I couldn’t find the exact item for sale on Amazon, but this adult-sized Patient Gown Party Costume would definitely do the trick.

Same Penis Forever Bridal Veil

I found this essential piece of attire at, yes, you’ve guessed it, a yard sale. The Same Penis Sash and Veil hails from the novelty clothing and gift store, Spencer’s. A Silver Sparkle Sash version is available on Amazon and is humorously described as a Same Pen Is Forever Silver Sparkle Sash to avoid Amazon’s censorship of naughty words. This sash is a favorite for hen parties where a fiancée has a raunchy premarital party to rival the stag night. Since calling a bride a hen is so much less inviting than the manly stag, maybe I should use the more recent description of such an event—a bachelorette gathering.

If your unfaithful ex-spouse is tying the knot again, this could be the perfect wedding gift. It’s a subtle reminder of that “till death do us part” vow. Despite the fact that the message of this bridal veil was not representative of your marriage, maybe this time your ex will be the model of fidelity.

However, is the popular saying, “Once a cheater, always a cheater,” true? Studies indicate that those who have cheated in the past are considerably more likely to cheat again compared to people with no history of infidelity. The more extensive the infidelity, the higher the chance of it occurring again with a new partner. Once the honeymoon of infatuation is over, the thrill of new pastures beckons.

The late British financier Sir James Goldsmith, is famous for the quote, “When a man marries his mistress, he leaves a vacancy.” Goldsmith should know. After marrying his mistress, socialite Lady Annabel Birley in 1978, with whom he had already sired two children, he embarked on an affair with Laure Boulay de La Meurthe with whom he had two more children. If Lady Annabel had worn this Same Penis Forever bridal veil, might it have reminded Sir James to stay faithful to her throughout the marriage, I wonder? And did she care about the infidelity? Not according to what Lady Annabel told The Times newspaper in 1987: “I can never understand the wives who really mind, the wives who set such store by fidelity. How extraordinary, and how mad they are. Because, surely, if the man goes out and he comes back, it’s not actually doing any harm.” At the time of writing this, Lady Annabel is still alive at the grand old age of 91, but without a partner, faithful or otherwise. I guess she won’t want to read this blog, though.

Almost Naked King of Hearts Playing Cards

I’ve always considered the tie a rather useless piece of clothing, but the Jokers in this pack show that a big one can be used very effectively to conceal a big one. This pack of playing cards would be a perfect gift for the much younger trophy wife who has run off with the pool guy. Every card features a nearly naked beefcake guy but there’s not a penis in sight. To hide this potentially offensive item, various objects are strategically placed in the photos. These range from sheets, scarves, the Joker’s tie, a bathtub and even a retro-style telephone that doesn’t look like it’s even connected. Most of the photos are of just one male model, but a few of the cards feature different guys. These characters look so pumped-up that they might pop if they worked out any further. I’d be concerned that just a hug from one of them would break my ribs. Seriously. I have a friend who endured painfully bruised ribs for a few months after an over-enthusiastic hug from a now ex-boyfriend. Maybe it’s just me, but I much prefer a more natural look rather than the Arnold Schwarzenegger physique. To me, the upper bodies of these bodybuilder types seem out of proportion to the rest of their anatomy so that their heads look too small. This might be the case for other appendages too, but I’ve never done the research on that issue.

I’d give you a link to get a pack of these beefcake cards, but they don’t seem to be available. Maybe I should sell mine on eBay along with that aphrodisiac shaving foam…

Pain and Sorrow Granola

I never cease to be amazed at the bizarre advertising slogans companies choose. For instance, Reebok got into hot water in 2012 with this slogan on posters in Germany: “Cheat on Your Girlfriend, Not on Your Workout.” The tag line on this granola made by Aziz, reads, “In pain and sorrow, ask no remedy!” This quote comes from a love song by the 14th-century Persian poet Hafez of Shiraz. Very erudite, but evoking pain and sorrow is not something that is likely to make you want to buy a bag of breakfast cereal. Thus, gift of this Aziz Saffron Rose Granola conveys mixed messages to a cheating ex. On the one hand, it expresses the suffering you endured from the betrayal. On the other hand, you are giving your ex some delicious organic granola that’s not overly sweet and helping him or her to have a healthy nutritious diet. The ingredients include rose petals, cardamom and saffron, making this a very romantic breakfast item for your ex to serve his or her current honey(s). Created in small batches on Maui, it’s the ultimate artisanal granola.

UPDATE: The creator of this product must have picked up on my brainwaves. “In pain and sorrow, ask no remedy!” has now been ousted from the front of the package, but the manufacturer couldn’t quite let it go, as it appears in very tiny type at the back on the bottom. The new tagline on the front is “Savor what is precious.” Yes, that works for me.

Sexist Serviettes

Your ex can add the perfect touch to social occasions with these “I FAILED” beverage napkins from Blueink Studios. They subtly convey the message that your former beloved failed miserably in keeping your marriage together. Of course, he or she may well believe that the failure is all yours.

In Britain, “napkins” are known as “serviettes,” maybe because “napkin” sounds a little too much like “nappies,” the British word for “diapers.” The Victorian-era cartoon on these paper cocktail serviettes evokes double standards that are still very much around today. The portly, balding, old guy has an attractive younger woman, probably his mistress, on his arm. Who is at fault here? Obviously, the female, screams the cartoon. She tried to be good, but failed. As a result, she wears a placard that proclaims in shouty capitals, “DISINHERITED, SELFISH, ILL-TEMPERED, UNREASONABLE.” Most likely her escort didn’t even attempt to be good, and his placard, which read, “FAT, UGLY, LECHEROUS, DISAGREEABLE,” must have fallen off.

Being disinherited would have had devastating consequences for a woman in the Victorian era. There would have been very few ways she could have supported herself as most employment was closed to females, except for being a maid (which required good references) or a prostitute. It’s little wonder this lady would have resorted to being the escort of such an unappealing gentleman.

This cartoon, heaping condemnation only on the female, brings to mind two common occurrences when a woman finds out her husband has been unfaithful and is understandably furious. First of all, the guy may criticize her for being an unpleasant jealous harpy rather than taking responsibility for his actions. Secondly, the wife may direct her ire towards the other woman rather than the husband, as if the poor hapless man couldn’t help being taken in by the siren’s song. In reality, it’s the husband, not the other woman, who has undertaken the marriage vow with the wife, and sometimes the mistress may not even be aware that her beau is attached to another.

Yes, I know that Blueink Studios probably chose this 19th century cartoon because it was out of copyright and available for free. Yet who would have thought that the image on a lowly paper napkin could stir up such deep issues?

Photos and text © 2025 by CJ Grace.

Excerpted from CJ Grace’s forthcoming book, The Cheating Ex Files: 101 Gifts for Your Unfaithful Ex-Partner, coming out in 2026.

Please note that this blog contains Amazon links for which CJ may get an exceedingly miniscule commission, at no additional cost to the buyer.