I’ve been a host on the Thriving Women Network live TV show, Uncomfortable Conversations since 2022. It’s taught me the importance of good listening skills to be able to engage in productive conversation with people who may not share the same perspectives.  We have covered all kinds of social issues on the show and a variety of views about them.

Uncomfortable Conversations presents this challenge: Instead of listening to agree, why not listen to build a stronger relationship with the person you’re talking to?

Conversations of the 1980s Compared to Today

When I was working for the BBC as a journalist back in the 1980s, it seemed that folks were able to have free and robust discussions with everyone. Friendships were not determined by whether or not someone voted the same way, had the same views on political issues or believed in the same form of religion. There was a diversity of opinions, and the news programs I worked on valued showing both sides of any argument. As a BBC interviewer, I expected a news source to be able to back up claims regarding controversial issues with original source documentation.

This is very different from today’s mainstream media, where only one view is seen as acceptable and alternate opinions are dismissed as misinformation or disinformation and refused airtime, even if data might be available to confirm the validity of these alternate opinions.

These attitudes have caused a polarization of views, where one side refuses to even interact with those who have opposing opinions. In this divided world, how can we learn how to get comfortable with difficult topics and communicate effectively with people who don’t share the same perspective?

Taboo Subjects at Holiday Gatherings

I remember talking to a friend who had a hair salon and she told me that when she was training as a hair stylist, she was advised to avoid talking about politics and religion while chatting with her clients. During the holidays in particular, we tend to have to share the dinner table with folks that may have very different opinions on such things as politics and religion. Should those topics be off the table at the table? At the extreme, having to take into account people’s sensitivity to an ever-widening range of taboo subjects brings to mind the “Buying a Bed” Monty Python Sketch where Graham Chapman, playing one of the assistants in the bedding department, cannot tolerate hearing the word “mattress.” Thus, a couple shopping there for a new bed are advised to substitute the phrase “dog kennel” for “mattress.” Originally airing on December 7, 1969, this Monty Python episode (Season 1, Episode 8) was better known for including the seminal Dead Parrot Sketch.

Aside from having to see certain relatives during the holiday season, should we confine ourselves to only interacting with those who agree with us, even if that means reducing our friend circle to a much smaller community that provides an echo chamber to validate our existing views?

But think about it – is this even a realistic way to live in the world? Let’s face it. It’s unlikely that everyone with whom we need to interact, whether for business or social reasons, will in effect be a clone of our own views. How do we grow and learn new things if we confine ourselves to a narrow group of people that we consider “like-minded”?

Bridging the Gap with Uncomfortable Conversations

Uncomfortable Conversations provides a way out of this dilemma. Each week the show looks at different listening strategies to be able to encourage, enlighten and empower authentic interactions between others who may not share our perspectives. The aim is to have a genuine interchange between the two people having a conversation, so that each person not only feels listened to but also is putting full attention on what the other person is saying. The flip side of this would be two people simply waiting for their turn to speak and thinking about what they want to say while the other person is speaking, so that, in effect, you have a series of monologues rather than a conversation.

On the Uncomfortable Conversations show we’ve looked at various forms of listening, including empathetic listening, attentive listening and effective listening. We’ve discussed how to give your undivided attention to what a person is saying without any distractions, such as looking at your mobile phone. This is an antidote to living in a world where people get turned off very quickly if the other person doesn’t validate their own views.

How Uncomfortable Conversations Can Improve a Relationship

I’ve put some of the tools I’ve learned on Uncomfortable Conversations to work in my own life. In my current relationship, if something has been bothering my partner or me, we’ll have a process where we’ll sit on the sofa together to have an “uncomfortable conversation.” This allows us to talk things through and try to resolve our differences. However, we’ve learned that it’s crucial for us to choose the right time to do this. It’s always best if we’re both feeling fairly relaxed and not too busy with all sorts of projects that needed to be done yesterday. Having one of these “uncomfortable conversations” in the bedroom before trying to wind down and go to sleep is a definite no-no.

Nevertheless, this is the first relationship in my life in which I’ve used “uncomfortable conversation” techniques to work through challenges. Usually, it’s not a good idea to let unresolved issues fester and gain importance that they may not deserve. Talking things through in a timely manner can defuse problems when they arise, before they begin to take up a lot of mental space, churning around in our heads.

Is an Uncomfortable Conversation Always the Solution?

Sometimes choosing when or even if to have an uncomfortable conversation can be a somewhat of a tightrope walk. Is it best to be honest or remain silent?

My ex-husband would have been completely unwilling to even sit down and engage in an uncomfortable conversation that might have involved him listening to my point of view, and a previous boyfriend would shut down rather than having to discuss anything involving his or my emotional state.

Furthermore, I had a recent uncomfortable conversation with an acquaintance whom I had been trying to avoid that went south fairly quickly. I listened extensively to his point of view, but he had no interest in hearing mine, and in the process threw several insults my way. In retrospect, perhaps at the very least, I should have voiced my concerns in a different way. Maybe it might have been a better strategy to have left things unsaid and let sleeping dogs lie.

So, if you want to have an uncomfortable conversation that produces beneficial results, both parties need to be receptive to the idea of listening to learn as well as desiring to express their feelings without judgement or criticism from the other person. Watching Uncomfortable Conversations will help. Tune in to the live one-hour show every Wednesday at noon Eastern Time on e360tv.com. Replays are available on e360tv.com as well as on  ZondraTV.com and ThrivingWomanNetwork.com. You’ll discover how making the effort to genuinely listen creates thriving connections with others.